


This little light of mine

by TheIceQueen



Series: Temporarily CLOSED for prompts. Buttercreams and friends. [2]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Buttercream Gang, Byron is Awesome, Crying, Eating Disorders, Friendship, Insecurity, Light Angst, Mental Health Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 05:23:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14489733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheIceQueen/pseuds/TheIceQueen
Summary: Prompt:Could you write something where Joe is trying to recover from an eating disorder and how the Buttercream's support him through that?-o-O-o-Read the tags and the notes.





	This little light of mine

**Author's Note:**

> Everyone experiences psychological disorders differently, and this is only a short attempt to describe a tiny part of how it can be.

The guy in the mirror looked tired. His cheek bones were sharply defined under thin skin and his eyes were sunken and dark. But most of all he looked sad.

It had been months since Joe had left the hospital and moved back in with Byron. He had been better. He knew how to take care of himself, and he had followed the plan carefully. Everyone around him had been so proud and happy every time he’d gained just a little. During the last moths he too had learned to be proud about his progress.

Bad days still happened, and today was a bad one. He saw every imperfection on his face, neck and upper body. The skin over the collarbones was to lose and it seemed like all the _progress_ had placed itself, right under his chin. Normally, he was able to tell the little voice in the back of his mind to _shut the fuck up_ , but today it was mocking him about the progress he was most proud of. It was telling him that he couldn’t be social, that he couldn’t handle people.

Since the hospital he had only been able to eat in front of Byron, Caspar or Zoë and preferably only one at a time. Three weeks ago, he had gone with Byron and Jack to a party. They had promised him that there would only be snacks, no one would think about food, and that they could leave as soon as Joe felt like it. It had taken a lot of arguing with the little voice before he had decided to go. He had ended up having a great time and even eaten a little. Since then they he’d had friends over and Joe was starting to feel like part of the gang again.

Today the voice was back. Stronger than it had been in a long time. Byron and him, were going to meet Caspar, Josh and Jack in town for a movie and dinner after. Joe had been looking forward to this for over a week, he had suggested the new Avengers movie himself. But now he was stuck, looking at that same insecure boy who was questioning every choice about his social life, and his body. He couldn’t eat out. There would be people everywhere and they would see him and his strange eating habits.

“Joe. You okay in there?”

Joe jumped. He had been so lost in thought that he’d forgotten that he in fact had a roommate. He suddenly felt monitored and judged, like Byron had read his mind.

“I’m great. Not like I’m in here barfing.”

At first Byron didn’t answer and Joe wondered if he’d left but then there was a small knock at the door.

“I know that Joe. Why would I think that?”

Joe looked onto the eyes of the boy in the mirror. He’d never made himself sick. He just couldn’t stand food.

There was a small knock more and then the doorknob turned. Joe remembered too late that it wasn’t locked. He’d only gotten in there to brush his teeth.

“I’m coming in, okay?”

Joe shook his head resignedly but didn’t say anything. Byron opened the door slowly and walked a few steps inside.

“Joe?”

Joe looked up. “I’m good.”

He tried to brush it off, but clearly wasn’t successful. Intentionally or not, Byron was blocking the door.

“What’s wrong? You’ve been in here for half an hour.”

Had it really been that long? It couldn’t be. Maybe… He couldn’t explain that away to Byron.

“I’m not feeling well. I think I should stay home.”

Joe could hear the wheels turning in Byron’s head. Eventually his larger roommate stepped aside and made a path for him to leave the room.

“If you’re not feeling well, okay. We can cancel altogether and go out when you’re better. We should all see the movie together.”

Joe couldn’t manage to make new plans. He sat in the couch and shook his head. “No. You just go, it’s not a big deal.”

Byron sat down on the coffee table across from Joe.

“Hey. I know this is a big step. Maybe it’s just a little too big.”

Joe looked up. He didn’t like when the conversation was about all of this. He had enough going on arguing with himself. He didn’t need his friends mixed up in that. No matter how often his counselor told him it’s important to have a support system and to talk to them, it was embarrassing.

“Do you want to just see the movie and then cancel dinner?”

Joe would love that, but he quickly realized that then everyone would know how much of a week mess he was. Besides, he hadn’t only looked forward to the movie, he had looked forward to making even more progress.

“No. Just go without me.”

Joe heard his own voice crack and he felt his eyes burning. Byron must have noticed it. He scooted a bit closer and put an almost weightless hand on Joe’s shoulder.

“Hey, man. C’mon.”

Joe went along with Byron pulling him a bit forward and soon he felt strong arms embracing his small frame. Only Byron had been allowed to touch him, more than a handshake or a pad on the shoulder, in over a year. His roommate hadn’t forced it on him, but he hadn’t asked either, and everyone, even Joe who felt even more insecure, when touched, needs a hug once in a while.

Without letting go, Byron moved to sit next to Joe, and only when Joe was ready to let go they separated.

“I can’t Byron. It’s too much.”

“What exactly is too much?”

Joe thought it over. The pressure on him to act normal. On the good days he could tell himself that no one cared, and it was all in his mind, but today he could only imagine hundreds of strangers staring and judging him.

“It’s too many people. I want to do this. Byron, I need to do this, to get better. It’s just too many.”

A tear broke free and rolled quickly over his cheek and when it reached his jaw he brushed it away with his palm.

Byron was thinking again. Joe was sure that he was trying to find solutions where there were none.

“Is it because _we’re_ too many or is it the restaurant filled with strangers?”

“No. I’m okay with you. I’ve done that before, just not all at once.”

Byron looked relived and Joe didn’t understand why.

“Okay. How about we go see the movie and then we come back here to eat? I’m sure Jack wouldn’t mind picking something up on the way back.”

“But, I’m ruining it for everyone else.” Joe’s eyes were leaking more tears and he’d given up catching them all together. “I don’t want them to know.”

Byron took Joe’s hand. “Listen, they are all aware of what you’re going through, and trust me; if you tell them this, instead of giving up and staying away. They will be proud of you for this step and happy that you chose _them_.”

Joe looked down. Happy that he chose them? It was a smaller step than planned but it was a step. He just couldn’t shake the thought that the whole night would be about this now.

“But, I don’t what it to be… If I change plans everyone will look at me, to make sure I’m alright. I don’t want that.”

“Every single one of us have been with you. Joe, we won’t obsess over you. Try to remember the other times. You are in control and we know that. We just want to spend time with you, and no one is going to think twice about how much or how little you eat.”

Byron smiled and whipped away the few tears that hadn’t fallen from Joe’s face yet. Joe knew Byron was right. He could do this. His friends were there for _him_ , not to take care of him. It had taken a long time for him to realize that and sometimes he still forgot.

“Okay. We’ll change plans.” Joe rubbed his eyes and sat up straight.

“Should I text them?”

Byron already had his phone in his hand, but Joe grabbed his own.

“No. I’ll do it. My choice, right?”

Byron nodded and started to get ready. They needed to leave for the movie soon.

Joe texted Jack and Caspar:

 

HEY.

I WOULD LIKE IF WE COULD HAVE TAKE-OUT AT OUR PLACE AFTER THE MOVIE.

THE RESURANT IS A BIT MUCH STILL, BUT I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU.

 

With a knot in his stomach and slightly shaking hands Joe put his phone in his pocket, but as soon as he stood up to follow Byron, he got a respond from Jack.

 

SURE, I'M ALL FOR EATING HOME.

SO GLAD YOU FELT LIKE YOU COULD ASK.

ALREADY ON MY WAY TO THE THEATER.

SEE YOU SOON.

 

Joe felt better and more at ease when he was getting ready. While he was putting on shoes, a new text pinged on his phone.

 

GREAT! GAME NIGHT. IT’S BEEN TOO LONG.

WATCH OUT SUGG, I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!

JOSH AND I ARE LEAVING NOW.

SEE YOU SOON.

 

Joe couldn’t help but chuckle. This felt more and more like a normal night with the guys. Just like it used to be. As he walked by the small mirror in the hallway, he saw the boy from before, but he was smiling and there was a clear shine of light in those, before so dark, eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumbler: its-me-theicequeen
> 
> -o-O-o-  
> I have way too many projects right now, so I'm closing for prompts for the time being. Check the notes in the series description for more info.


End file.
